Luke, Day 8.

Today was hard. But I should say first that Luke is still doing great. Not much has changed from yesterday, just small improvements. Just a hard day for me. I went in first thing this morning. Noah went to preschool, Max spent some quality time with dad. I rocked him for an hour, did all his care and nursed him. Mot of the time he was awake. Two huge blue eyes staring up at me, piercing straight into my heart. The boys came up to meet us at the hospital for lunch. The morning was over in a flash and I wasn't ready to put him back in his glass crib. Hook him back up to the monitors and his bili bed. So I stood there at his bed holding his binkie in his mouth, willing him to go to sleep to make leaving him in there easier on my heart. He did, thanks to my ninja tight swaddle. I was late getting up to the cafeteria for lunch and the boys were all over the place. I could hear Max before I even got off the elevator. They definitely feel at home at the hospital which I'm ready for them not to be.
I came home for the afternoon and mostly cried. It seems like the wrong time to hit a wall, considering we are on the up swing, but still. I hit a wall.
I'm tired of leaving my baby at the hospital. I'm tired of the boys being upset when we leave them at night. But mostly, I'm just tired.
My friend Sarah said it best when she told me today that it isn't easy to see Luke now without all the tubes and wires on his face. Before we saw a sick baby, and focused on the monitors. On getting better.
Now we see him. And he sees us. And we want to be with him all the time.
We've made some friendships in the NICU, with nurses and other families. One family has a little girl, born just 2 weeks early like Luke, with the same respiratory distress diagnosis. We have been on pace with our ups and downs and its been comforting seeing them every day, knowing they understand. The mom came in today and was unusually quiet. Later when the dad came in he told me that their daughter's  O2 sats had dropped through the night with feedings so they had to stop all oral feedings today. It was a step backwards and I felt sad for them. No one wants to be in this place. And as much as I love everyone who has taken such good care of Luke, I'm ready for this to be done.
My parents are up at the hospital now, rocking Luke. They love it and I love that they are with him. My mom just called and said my dad was rocking him and then she was going to do a bottle. When it was time for the bottle, my dad wouldn't give him up. Luke is lucky to have so many people that love him, and have sent so much love his way in his one week of life. We'll be back with him tonight. And I know I'll feel better then.